Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
