I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
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