Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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