Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
