Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
