Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
