i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
