My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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