dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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