then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize