I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
