i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
