Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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