Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize