i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
