I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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