I'm eating all of the evidence.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
