im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
