My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
