thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
