Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
