college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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