hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
