I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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