I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
