I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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