Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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