he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
