He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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