Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
