i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
