Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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