Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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