the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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