Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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