dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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