the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
