and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
