I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize