I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
