You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
