dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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