Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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