if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
