just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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