dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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