I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Randomize
