i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
