So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
