I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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