Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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