I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
