I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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