I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
