go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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