I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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