If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
