He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
