The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
