When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
